Englische Sketche

Sammlung von witzigen Bühnenszenen,
spielbare Sketche in englischer Sprache

Übersicht

Sketche für zwei Personen

Sketche für zwei Personen

Aus dem Englischunterricht

Pupils: „Good morning, Mr. Teacher!“
Teacher: „Good morning boys. Sit down please. What about your homework? Well, Christian, where is your homework, please?“
Christian: „Oh, sorry, I left it in the school bus.“
Teacher: „Mmh, well, then -, Jakob, what about your homework?“
Jakob: „Oh, sorry, I left my pencil at school. So, I couldn’t do my homework.“
Teacher: „Mmh, well, Fabian, what about your homework?“
Fabian: „Oh, sorry, I can’t find my exercise book. Where is my exercise book?“
Teacher: „Mmh, well, Harun, what about your homework?“
Harun: „Oh, sorry, I left my school bag at school, yesterday.“ I have no homework.“
Teacher: „Ah, well, Sergej, what about your homework?“
Sergej: „Oh, sorry, I’ve lost my pencil case. I could not write one word at home.“
Teacher: „Ah, well, Alex, what about your homework?“
Alex: „Oh, sorry, it was my sister’s birthday. So I couldn’t do my homework.
Teacher: „Ah, well, Viktor, what about your homework?“
Viktor: „Oh, sorry, my Mum always says: „Clean your room!“ So I couldn’t do my homework.“
Teacher: „Ah, well, Lucas, what about your homework?“
Lucas: „Oh, sorry, my pen was empty. So I couldn’t write my homework.“
Teacher: „Ah, well, Daniel, tell me: What was your homework for today?“
Daniel: „Our homework was this: We had to find a good excuse, why we have done no homework.“

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Dinner for One

James: Good evening, Miss Sophie, good evening.
Miss Sophie: Good evening, James.
James: You are looking very well this evening, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: Well, I am feeling very much better, thank you, James.
James: Good, good.
Miss Sophie: Well, I must say that everything looks nice.
James: Thank you very much, Miss Sophie, thank you.
Miss Sophie: Is everybody here?
James: Indeed, they are, yeah. Yes...They are all here for your anniversary, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: All five places are laid out?
James: All laid out as usual.
Miss Sophie: Sir Toby?
James: Sir Toby, yes, he's sitting here this year, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: Admiral von Schneider?
James: Admiral von Schneider is sitting here, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: Mr. Pommeroy?
James: Mr. Pommeroy I put round here for you.
Miss Sophie: And my very dear friend, Mr. Winterbottom?
James: On your right, as you requested, Miss Sophie!
Miss Sophie: Thank you, James. You may now serve the soup.
James: The soup, thank you very much, Miss Sophie, thank you. They are all waiting for you. Little drop of mulligatawny soup, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: I am particularly fond of mulligatawny soup, James.
James: Yes, I know you are.
Miss Sophie: I think we'll have sherry with the soup.
James: Sherry with the soup, yes... Oh, by the way, the same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: Same procedure as every year, James.
James: Same procedure as every year, James...
Miss Sophie: Is that a dry sherry, James?
James: Yes, a very dry sherry, Miss Sophie... very dry. Straight out of the cellar, this morning, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: Sir Toby!
James: Cheerio, Miss Sophie!
Miss Sophie: Admiral von Schneider!
James: Ad... Must I say it this year, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: Just to please me, James.
James: Just to please you. Very good, yes, yes... Skol!
Miss Sophie: Mr. Pommeroy!
James: Happy New Year, Sophie!
Miss Sophie: And dear Mr. Winterbottom!
James: Well, here we are again, old lovely...
Miss Sophie: You may now serve the fish.
James: Fish. Very good, Miss Sophie. Did you enjoy the soup?
Miss Sophie: Delicious, James.
James: Thank you, Miss Sophie, glad you enjoyed it. Little bit of North Sea haddock, Miss Sophie.
Miss Sophie: I think we'll have white wine with the fish.
James: White wine with the fish? The same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: The same procedure as every year, James!
James: Yeah...
Miss Sophie: Sir Toby!
James: Cheerio, Miss Sophie, me gal...
Miss Sophie: Admiral von Schneider!
James: Oh, must I, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: James, please, please...
James: Skol!
Miss Sophie: Mr. Pommeroy!
James: Happy New Year, Sophie gal!
Miss Sophie: Mr. Winterbottom!
James: You look younger than ever, love! Younger than ever! Ha, ha, ha...
Miss Sophie: Please serve the chicken!
James: Ya ...
Miss Sophie: That looks a very fine bird!
James: That's a lovely chu ... chuk ... chicken, that I'll tell you, a lovely ...
Miss Sophie: I think we'll have champagne with the bird!
James: Champagne, ya... Sssssame, same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: The same procedure as every year, James!
James: Sophie, me gal ...
Miss Sophie: Admiral von Schneider!
James: Must I, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: James!
James: Schkolll!
Miss Sophie: Mr. Pommeroy!
James: Happy New Year, Sophie, gal...
Miss Sophie: Mr. Winterbottom!
James: It's one of the nicest little woman... hic... one of the nicest little woman, that's ever breathed, that's ever breathed... I now declare this bazaar opened! Would you like some fruit?
Miss Sophie: I think we'll have port with the fruit!
James: Oh, ... no! S...ame procedure as last...
Miss Sophie: Yes, the same procedure as last year, James!
James: ..............................!!!
Miss Sophie: Sir Toby!
James: Sugar in the morning, sugar...
Miss Sophie: Admiral von Schneider!
James: Schkolll!
Miss Sophie: Mr. Pommoroy!
James: I'm sorry, Madam, sorry.
Miss Sophie: Mr. Winterbottom!
James: Huuuhhh, I'll kill that cat!
Miss Sophie: Well, James, it's been a wonderful party!
James: Well, it's been most enjoyable.
Miss Sophie: I think I'll retire.
James: You're going to bed?
Miss Sophie: Yes.
James: Sit down, I'll give you a hand up, Madam.
Miss Sophie: As I was saying, I'll retire...
James: Ya... ya. By the way, the same procedure as last year, Miss Sophie?
Miss Sophie: The same procedure as every year James!
James: Well, I'll do my very best!

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Ordering Pizza 2050

Deutscher Text

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your …
Customer: Hi, I'd like to order.
Operator: May I have your NIDN first, sir?
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1752 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2399. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?
Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the system, sir.
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas …
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: Dang. What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Yoghurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage', as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn.
Customer: Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it.
Customer: @#%/$@&?#!
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.

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Zwei Deutsche in London

A: Hello, Sir! How goes it you?
B: Oh, thank you for the afterquestion.
A: Are you already long here?
B: No, first a pair days. I'm not out London.
A: Thunderweather, that overrushes me, you see not so out.
B: That can yes beforecome. But now what other: My hairs stood to mountains as I the traffic saw. So much cars gives it here.
A: You are heavy on the woodway if you believe that in London horsedroveworks go.
B: Will we now drink a beer? My throat is outdried. But look, there is a guesthouse, let us there man go!
A: That is a good idea. Equal goes it loose, I will only my shoeband close.
B: Here we are. Make me please the door open.
A: But there is a beforehangingcastle, the economy is to. How sorry! Then I will go back to the hotel, it is already retard. On againsee!
B: Oh, yes, I will too go. I must become my draught to Bristol. Auf Wiedersehen!
A: Nanu, sie sind Deutscher?
B: Ja, sie auch? Das wundert mich aber. Ihr Englisch ist so hervorragend, dass ich es gar nicht bemerkt habe…

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The heart operation

(a patient comes into the doctor's office)

Doctor: Good day Mr. Meier, which is missing to them?
Patient: Ohh, know them I have so terrible fear of that heart OI.
Doctor: They do not need to have really no fear, it can anything pass.
Patient: Are they also completely safe itself?
Doctor: Naturally, I accomplished the interference already 68 times!
Patient: Then I can hope thus....
Doctor: Well, surely sometime it must fold times, not?

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